I'm...

getting help.

Untitled

No more smiles

There's no more laughing

No more carefree spirits

Soaring through the sky

They've all fallen,

Plummeted to the ground

Never to fly again

Their wings have fallen off

Snapped right off their backs

And shattered like glass

Like broken souls

Among the rocks of the earth

None of them will fly again

Those little glass wings

From an angel figurine

Falling from above

Smashing to the floor

Breaking like the dreams

Of children

When the innocence is lost

When true nature is revealed

There are no more smiles

No more laughing

No more carefree spirits

Soaring through the sky

Sometimes I just need to cry

I need to be held

While I let the tears roll over the edge

And fall to the ground

But I can't bring myself to cry

Not around anyone

' Cause "crying is weakness"

It's worthlessness

And helplessness

And vulnerability

All rolled into one

And sometimes,

I just want

To cry

And be held

While the tears roll over the edge

And fall to the ground

But I can't.

I just can't.

Teen Angst for the bazillionth time. Maybe I should just change the blog title.

I don't know what it is anymore

I don't know if I'm depressed or insane

Or just plain stupid.

I don't know what I am anymore

Some sort of feelingless monster

Cause the things that used to make me better,

They don't work so well anymore

And the people that used to make me better,

They're just like everyone else

So I sit here, empty of emotions

Pretending to be okay.

I'm a much better actress

Than they ever thought I would be.

Jim, Please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I miss you.

I don't remember your smile
Whether it was contagious
Or lit up a room

I don't remember your voice
Whether it was raspy and old
Or still warm and young like your heart

I don't remember how you smell
Whether it was a cologne
Or the sweet tobacco you used to smoke

I don't remember your hugs
Whether they were weak but loving
Or firm and caring and supportive

It was my worst fear.
I didn't want to forget,
But I did.

I want to remember,
But I can't

Dear World,

Dear teachers,
Sorry for wanting my break to be, ya' know....a break.

Dear parents,
Sorry for not being perfect.

Dear boyfriend's parents,
You suck. You are ass holes. I'm sorry you can't see how awesome your son is.

And finally,

Dear world,
I'm so fucking sorry for being human. Are you happy now? Can I live my life in peace now?

Sorry for the vagueness

I used to think I did it for the clarity, but I've come to realize that that's not it at all. I force smiles and laughter. I pretend to be happy, and everyone believes it. Why shouldn't they? As far as they know, I've got no reason to be unhappy. But I guess, nobody really understands. They don't take the time to care; that's part of what makes it so easy to hide it. That I just deserve it. Nobody realizes how horribly I think of myself. I'm worthless. I really am. I not good enough. I never have been. Never will be. And no matter how many fucking times people tell me otherwise, I'll always be that way. People deserve better than me, but they never listen. They want me to explain it, but it can't be explained. I'm just a numb, worthless shell that will never be good enough. For anyone. I though I had gotten over that aspect of it all, but I never really did. I just hid it. That's really all it's ever been I suppose. Oh well, there's another coin in the therapy jar. Guess I'll have to talk to them about that--oh, wait! I still don't have one of those. I'm not good enough for one of those. Sorry, I forgot. But SH it's a secret. When I told them it was the clarity it was okay then. It wasn't necessarily a problem with me directly, it was more a product of the chaos of my mind. Guess it's me after all. Who'da thunk.