Piccolo/ three month anniversary

The piccolo. The instrument I have dreamed of playing since I was six. I ended up learning trumpet, but I finally get another chance to reattempt the fulfillment of my childhood dream. And it's great.

Even better than that, today was my 3 month anniversary with this amazing guy. His naellme is Devon, and I am completely and totally in love with him. He's my everything. And today was amazing, almost as amazing as the past three months have been, probably better. So yeah :) Today was a good day. I'm happy. You should be happy.

Challenge: Think of at least one good thing that happened to you today. It doesn't necessarily have to be happy or bright or amazing or een all that good, just something that was better than eerything else. Now, tell me that thing. Mine was that Devon brought me flowers and cake and candy. What's yours?

I'm not usually one to be all, "Can't we all just get along?" But right now, I'm just really fucking tired of listening to everyone I know argue. I'm completely done listening to it.

Cognition....Or A Lack Thereof

When you don't have to think
You don't have to hide
Behind a mask made of
Anger, pain, and frustration
When you don't have to think
You don't have to hide at all,
Because when you don't think
You can't feel, you can't feel at all
And sometimes...
Just sometimes...
That lack of emotion
Makes it so much easier
To make it through the day
Without having to worry
About whether they'll see
As you have to fight back the empty tears
And the sobs
As you fight back the breakdown
It's easier to make it through it all
When you don't have to think
And you can sit there
In a room full of people
And still be in your own little world
Where nothing matters,
Not a single thing

I hope he sees this. I wish I was brave enough to say it to his face.

I've worked hard on letting him in.....I was actually doing pretty well for a while. But I've come realize that, well, the majority of me is to terrified of opening up all the way. Part of me wants for him to be the glue that keeps me from coming undone. Part of me wants him to be who I run to when I'm tearing apart at the seams. I want to be able to run to him and let him stitch me back together piece by piece. But my instinct says not to let that happen. 'Cause what happens if one day he's just not there? I'm scared of being torn apart and left for nothing again.

My best friend:
Is the strongest person I know
She is the bravest person I know,
And the most caring
She puts up with my crap better than anyone else
She knows when it's appropriate to bring me candy in the middle of the night
She know when to buy me apple sauce
She knows me better than anyone else
She is independent
She is the imbodiment of determination
She is inspirational
She is an incredibly amazing individual....

But most of all,
She. Is. Back.

And I just wanted to let you all know.

False accusations
Made randomly out of spite
And frustration
Can only be forgiven so many times
Before, "I'm sorry"
Begins to mean nothing at all
Anger, frustration, and blatent rage
They all build up
'Till one day
I finally can't hold it in anymore
And I break
I shatter into oblivion
And you sit there and try to help
When all I really want
Is for you to leave me alone

Anticipation

I want to hear
The crunch of
The colorful fall leaves

I want to watch
The leaves change
And fall
One by one

I want to smell
The crisp autumn air

I want to feel
the brisk breeze
glide across my back
slide across my skin
and raise goosebumps

I want to feel
the chills crawl down my spine
Tingling my senses

I want for the
Anticipation
To dissipate

Over it.

I'm currently over:
Pain
Devastation
Anger
Frustratin
Crying
Lonliness
Nostalgia
Doctors
Hospitals
Uncertainty
RSD
Polymeiocitis
Depression
Therapy (of any sort)
Parents
Grandparents
Those people who claim to someone's best friend, and then don't have any idea what's going on
People who say that others aren't healing fast enough
People who don't listen
Medication
Exhaustion
Helplessness
Uselessness
Restrictions
Rules

Sorry, just a vent. I should be back to semi-not as angsty whining posts soon.