Sorry for the vagueness

I used to think I did it for the clarity, but I've come to realize that that's not it at all. I force smiles and laughter. I pretend to be happy, and everyone believes it. Why shouldn't they? As far as they know, I've got no reason to be unhappy. But I guess, nobody really understands. They don't take the time to care; that's part of what makes it so easy to hide it. That I just deserve it. Nobody realizes how horribly I think of myself. I'm worthless. I really am. I not good enough. I never have been. Never will be. And no matter how many fucking times people tell me otherwise, I'll always be that way. People deserve better than me, but they never listen. They want me to explain it, but it can't be explained. I'm just a numb, worthless shell that will never be good enough. For anyone. I though I had gotten over that aspect of it all, but I never really did. I just hid it. That's really all it's ever been I suppose. Oh well, there's another coin in the therapy jar. Guess I'll have to talk to them about that--oh, wait! I still don't have one of those. I'm not good enough for one of those. Sorry, I forgot. But SH it's a secret. When I told them it was the clarity it was okay then. It wasn't necessarily a problem with me directly, it was more a product of the chaos of my mind. Guess it's me after all. Who'da thunk.

Not Ready.

So, I went to this amazing thing called Winterlight. It's at a wonderful place that is now one of my many "homes". This place goes by the name of Kanuga. I just got back today, and I already want to go again. Everybody keeps telling me they missed me. And I missed them. But I'm not ready to be home. I'm not ready to go back to everything that made me feel so horrible before. I want to go back there, where I was accepted by everyone for being who I am. Where I had friends who liked me for me, and not because I had cool stuff. Where people don't judge or hate. They nurture and accept and love. I want to keep that spirit. I'm not ready for the fear and the hate and the pain. I'm not ready to be back. I'm not ready to be the way I was before again. I know it's going to happen, because it always does. People here don't get it. And it's okay. They never will. But I hate that I will end up losing that Kanuga feeling. It's the only thing I've truly felt in a very long time.