I haven't posted in forever.

And I would like to apologize if there's anybody who still actually pays attention to this...teen angst took over my life for a long time. But...it's getting better. My friend Riley and I...we're not what we used to be, by any means. But, well, I guess I'm getting used to the way things are now. My dad is on a new shift again, so I get to see him a lot more. My mom has a new job, and she's so much happier. Devon is....Devon. There aren't words to describe how truly amazing he is. Today is the last day of sophomore year. It's bittersweet for a lot of reasons. All my closest friends, my big brothers and sisters, from the senior class are graduating. They won't be here next year, and that saddens me. But I'm almost a Junior. All of the change makes it feel like something big is going to happen this summer or next year. I know it sounds cliche and awful, but it feels like I'm getting a new beginning. It's like this summer is the beginning of the rest of my life...I'm coming to terms with my past and loving what is now. I've found the beauty in everything again... and it makes me so happy. I am happy. I haven't truly been happy in so long, and now, with school and drama and everything else out of the way, I'm happy. I needed this summer to get here. I've needed it all year. But it's finally here. And I can't wait. So...(more cliche, sorry) Summer 2011, get ready. 'Cause here I come.

I'm...

getting help.

Untitled

No more smiles

There's no more laughing

No more carefree spirits

Soaring through the sky

They've all fallen,

Plummeted to the ground

Never to fly again

Their wings have fallen off

Snapped right off their backs

And shattered like glass

Like broken souls

Among the rocks of the earth

None of them will fly again

Those little glass wings

From an angel figurine

Falling from above

Smashing to the floor

Breaking like the dreams

Of children

When the innocence is lost

When true nature is revealed

There are no more smiles

No more laughing

No more carefree spirits

Soaring through the sky

Sometimes I just need to cry

I need to be held

While I let the tears roll over the edge

And fall to the ground

But I can't bring myself to cry

Not around anyone

' Cause "crying is weakness"

It's worthlessness

And helplessness

And vulnerability

All rolled into one

And sometimes,

I just want

To cry

And be held

While the tears roll over the edge

And fall to the ground

But I can't.

I just can't.

Teen Angst for the bazillionth time. Maybe I should just change the blog title.

I don't know what it is anymore

I don't know if I'm depressed or insane

Or just plain stupid.

I don't know what I am anymore

Some sort of feelingless monster

Cause the things that used to make me better,

They don't work so well anymore

And the people that used to make me better,

They're just like everyone else

So I sit here, empty of emotions

Pretending to be okay.

I'm a much better actress

Than they ever thought I would be.

Jim, Please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I miss you.

I don't remember your smile
Whether it was contagious
Or lit up a room

I don't remember your voice
Whether it was raspy and old
Or still warm and young like your heart

I don't remember how you smell
Whether it was a cologne
Or the sweet tobacco you used to smoke

I don't remember your hugs
Whether they were weak but loving
Or firm and caring and supportive

It was my worst fear.
I didn't want to forget,
But I did.

I want to remember,
But I can't

Dear World,

Dear teachers,
Sorry for wanting my break to be, ya' know....a break.

Dear parents,
Sorry for not being perfect.

Dear boyfriend's parents,
You suck. You are ass holes. I'm sorry you can't see how awesome your son is.

And finally,

Dear world,
I'm so fucking sorry for being human. Are you happy now? Can I live my life in peace now?