Oh my...

I've always dreamed

Of being an artist

Creating is my passion

Drawing

Painting

Writing

Music

It's something

I've always had

A propensity for

It's my joy

Cliche as it sounds

I feel like it's my calling

But I don't know

If I could

Make it

In that world

Is my talent great enough?

Am I good enough?

People say I am

But I have my doubts

I want to so badly

But I'm terrified they're all

Wrong.

I want you to understand

She won't get close

She pushes them away

And before she couldn't figure out why

It was habit and nature

But she couldn't understand

Why the habit was established

In the first place

And she now realizes,

She doesn't want to hurt them

The way she's been hurt

She doesn't want to be the one

Who leaves

And leaves nothing behind

But broken hearts

And shattered minds

Because she's been on the receiving end

She knows what it's like

To have the people you're closest to

Just up and run

To bolt as far away as they can

And never look back

So she doesn't let them close

She pushes them away

Because she doesn't want

To be the source of so much pain

The Push

Push
Push
Push
All she does is push
It's what she's good at
Pushing people away
But this time
She's hoping
Hoping she hasn't pushed too hard
Too far
It's not supposed to be permanent
But she doesn't know what's
Going to happen
And she's terrified
That she's pushed too hard
Too far
And she won't be able to catch back up

A Baby

When you let yourself

Think only of the past

And what the future may bring,

You lose sight of what's happening now.

A baby growing,

Learning to walk

And talk

And love

When you let yourself

Focus on the bad

And how you felt then

The feelings carry on

The hurt

And anger

So, you have to learn

To step back

And see what's happening

Right here

Right now

Like that little baby,

Growing

Learning to walk

And talk

And love

Give

me one good reason I shouldn't do it. Just one. Give me one good reason to put away again. Cause last time you couldn't. What makes you think this one is any different?

Rustling

Shuffling

Moving

Shifting

Mindless fidgeting

Agitated

Frustrated

All because

Of a lack

Of simple

Activity

I just want

To go somewhere

To do something

To see someone

To party

Cause I'm a kid

And that's what

Kids do

But I've spent

The past two

Years being

The "perfect child"

Studying

Schooling

Mini-adulting

I'm done being

"So mature

For my age"

I'm going to

Be a kid.

I haven't posted in forever.

And I would like to apologize if there's anybody who still actually pays attention to this...teen angst took over my life for a long time. But...it's getting better. My friend Riley and I...we're not what we used to be, by any means. But, well, I guess I'm getting used to the way things are now. My dad is on a new shift again, so I get to see him a lot more. My mom has a new job, and she's so much happier. Devon is....Devon. There aren't words to describe how truly amazing he is. Today is the last day of sophomore year. It's bittersweet for a lot of reasons. All my closest friends, my big brothers and sisters, from the senior class are graduating. They won't be here next year, and that saddens me. But I'm almost a Junior. All of the change makes it feel like something big is going to happen this summer or next year. I know it sounds cliche and awful, but it feels like I'm getting a new beginning. It's like this summer is the beginning of the rest of my life...I'm coming to terms with my past and loving what is now. I've found the beauty in everything again... and it makes me so happy. I am happy. I haven't truly been happy in so long, and now, with school and drama and everything else out of the way, I'm happy. I needed this summer to get here. I've needed it all year. But it's finally here. And I can't wait. So...(more cliche, sorry) Summer 2011, get ready. 'Cause here I come.