His Eyes

I got lost in the color of your eyes
Just watching you be you
And never wanting to move
Time froze as our gazes locked
I never wanted it to thaw
And I never wanted to move
I just watched you being you
And got lost in the color of your eyes

Exhaustion

Exhaustion sucks. Being extremely tired all of the time gets really old, really fast. So does getting blood taken. And so do strep test swab thingies. Being sick and not knowing why is also very frustrating. I'm tired of being tired. This is my rant for the day.

Stubborn.

That's me. Stubborn, impatient, and falling apart. But what everyone tells me is different. I think they're wrong. They won't listen to me though. They keep going on saying that I'm brave and strong and confident and a protector. What they don't see is that on the inside where they've got pretty mansions and little houses and sunshine, I have decrepit apartments and run down warehouses and constant grey skies. It's so easy to put up that facade and glue on a smile and pretend everythings okay. It's better for them, and easier for me. 'Cause I know that if they could see me falling apart, they'd be terrified that their selfless "protector" is broken.

A Sinking Feeling

When all the others are rising up
One can be seen falling into the ground
Disappearing into the darkness
Sinking to the lowest of lows
She sits alone
And thinks of the pain
The suffering
The grief
The tumult
She's tired and bored
Never hungry, but she has to eat
She wants to be heard,
But her voice is gone
She wants to have a parent who will listen
Instead of saying she's just stressed
She's terrified.
Her friends are worried
And she keeps waiting
Listening to the clock tick down
To her ultimate destruction
And preparing for the impact
Of the crippling depression

I know this amazing kid.

She shall remain unnamed, but she knows who she is. She is my sister. My best friend. My stronghold. My shoulder to cry on. My person to lean on when I need a hand. She's the cold that wakes me when I'm numb. She's brave, strong, determined and.....she's lost hope. It kills me to see her like this. She's in pain 24/7. She has a nerve disorder called RSD, its also know as CRPS. Usually teens don't get it. But she beat those odds. She can't walk, she can't let anything touch her leg, and its spreading to her intestines. It sucks. She needs help, but she's too stubborn to let anyone help. And I'm the same way, so I understand and let her have her pride. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could really know what she's going through so I could know what to say when she calls crying because she's terrified she'll never walk again. I wish I could make it all disappear. But I can't. Which sucks. But she's amazing, because she's doing this insane thing. If you ask me, it's the best ability one can have. The ability to adapt. And that's what she does. She adapts, she works hard, she keeps going. And I know that she will keep going until she gets better. I just wish I could get her to realize all of this. Maybe this will help.

Imagine

Imagine your best friend in the entire world. Now imagine them being deathly ill. Imagine how terrified you would be when you found out about their illness. Then imagine planning your next visit (knowing very well it will be your last chance to talk to that best friend), and then finding out the next morning that they have already passed away. Imagine realizing that you will never see that person again, or talk to them, or wait for them to finish getting on their favorite shoes before going outside to sit on the porch and talk. Imagine realizing that you missed your last chance to ever be with that person again. And imagine how hard that would be to go through.

Now, imagine that it's two months later, your listening to a few people talk, and they mention the old west and cowboy boots. You burst into tears on the spot, or get as close to it as you do in public, because your best friend used to have one pair of cowboy boots that they always wore, because you still miss that best friend like hell. And when you randomly think about them, how much you want to share something with them, or something happens that reminds you of them, you burst into tears.

Imagine all those feelings. Every. Last. One. And give me the best adjective-a single word or small phrase-that you can think of to describe it. Here's mine: Living hell. And here's my second best: My life for the past month and a half.

Caitlyn.

That's my name, by the way. I figured if you're actually taking the time to read this silly little blog of mine, you deserve to know who I am.

Dilemmas.

What do you do when your best friend is in constant pain; when the one person who loves you unconditionally is terrified that she might lose the ability to walk? What do you do when you wish you were the one with the problem, just so she wouldn't have to go through something so awful? What do you do when you hate that you can't help? What do you do when one word is constantly running through your head: Useless. And you know that that's what you are. Useless. Because you can't help the people who mean the most to you. Tell me what you think.

Knock Knock

I want to help, I swear
And I wish I could tell you that
But I can't help someone
Who doesn't want the help
I can't help

Until you let me in

I want to help, I swear
But you won't admit you need it
And I can't do anything
Till you can deal with that
I can't help

Until you let me in

I want to help, I swear
And I know you want to be strong
But sometimes is takes more strength
To admit you need the help
Than to pretend there's nothing wrong

So please let me in