ME Time. (aka more teen angsty whining)

Something has been really frustrating me lately, and I didn't actually realize how much it had been bugging me 'till about 5 seconds ago. Weird, right?Anyway.

We're taught all our lives that everyone thinks differently. Everyone has a different perspective/outlook on life. And we always agree, because, well, quite frankly, it's TRUE. But then we forget to take into account all the different ways that people think and process information when we are trying to help them feel better.

Take me for example, I process things internally. Good things, bad things, anythings. It's the way I handle all the shit I'm dealt. I think about it, I work through it, I deal with it. In. MY. Head. On. My. Own. It's the way I've always been, and, in all honesty, prefer it to be. But when my friends try to help me feel better when I'm angry or sad or upset, they're all touchy feel-y "let's-give-you-a-hug-for-five-minutes-and-try-to-force-you-to-talk" about everything. And that's just not how I process, so I get frustrated (and hide it very well) but I know that they're trying to help so I force myself to calm down and accept the help that doesn't really help. When I'm upset, I don't want advice. I want someone to sit there and shut up and listen to me whine. I know it sounds selfish and bitchy, but you'd be surprised how much more helpful it is for me. And so....yeah. I deal. And I end up processing on my own--most of the time. And it's really really really hard sometimes when I don't get the chance to process on my own because of other people's agendas and "help".

Now, take some of my friends for examples. What helps them process is the "let's-give-you-a-hug-for-five-minutes-and-force-you-to-talk" kind of stuff--Completely not my style. I'm willing to do whatever to help them. And they know that, but they get frustrated when I use my type of processing situations (sit down, shut up, and listen) on them. So I use they're style. No problemo. It helps them feel better, so I do it. Then they process and all is well. But they don't usually realize that I process so much differently...so they use they're tactics on me....and I get really frustrated. But they usually get upset when I try to explain that.

But lately I've been letting go of myself. My personality, my style, my....meness. And I don't like it. I've been letting other people take care of my problems for me, to the point where I hardly know what's going on in my life anymore. I've been walking around like a completely different person...or at least that's what it's starting to feel like.

So essentially, I'm tired of not processing my life my way. I'm tired of not being me. And (just in case you didn't pick up on this a few posts ago) I'm tired of being told that my "issues" and "this thing that I've got going on" and my "depression" is all my fault. So it's time to start living--like me-- again.

What is Love? (In response to someone else's post)

Love is being able to say, "He/She is better than my dream guy/girl, he/she is real."
Love is being terrified of losing someone, but even more terrified of having them.
(To quote a really good friend of mine)When you find someone that makes you truly happy without them having to say anything, that is love.
Love is knowing that you would give up anything if it meant being able to stay with that one person.
Love is being able to take the risk, even when you know it'll hurt in the end.
Love is when that other person can "make the sun shine out of your ass". (For those who don't know, that last part was a quote from Juno.)
Love is.... indescribable.

Love is different for everyone. Nobody can give a concrete definition, and that's half of what makes it so scary. You can't define it, and it's different for everyone, but you have to find out what it's like for you. It's all based on your personality and views and experience. So I challenge you: 1. Look up the song "The Fear You Won't Fall" by Joshua Radin. 2. Live life, find out who you are, develop your views, make your own experiences, and find out what love is for you.

Ruined

Merriam-Webster's definition:
(to ruin): 1. to reduce to ruins, devastate; 2.a)to damage irreparably, b) bankrupt, impoverished; 3. to subject to frustration, failure, or disaster

My opinion on the best definition from this selection:
A mix of 3 and 2a.

My definition:
An adjective describing one whose mind has shattered into oblivion, one who cannot be put back together, no matter how many people try. To make what I think of as the perfect comparison, one who is like Humpty Dumpty. When all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put you back together again, you can officially be considered ruined.


Just a thought.

More Angst. Sorry.

So now, the one adult who figured out what's wrong and cared enough to try to help, my dad, blames it all on himself. I knew this would happen. I knew it. It's why I never said anything before. It's why it was easier when I just dealt with it on my own. I feel even worse now, because it's not his fault. It just isn't. But I can't explain it to him. I just can't get the words out. It's like everytime I think about telling him, someone rips out my voice box for a few seconds. And it never was his fault, but even when I start to be able to tell him, I can't get it through his thick skull. And he feels terrible, because he's blaming it all on himself, and that's not fair. It's no more his fault than it is mine. (Though various other people would disagree with me not being the cause). And it's just so frustrating. 'Cause he won't listen, and all I wanna say is, "Dad, it's not your fault. Yeah, I miss you, and it sucks that you're hardly ever around anymore, but whatever is going on with me, it's not your fault. I love you, and you could never be the reasoning behind that." I just wish I could a chance to really sit down and talk with him. I think it'd help a lot.

Angsty Whining Post (BEWARE!)

I'm tired of everything. I give up. I'm tired of putting on a stupid smile that's not real. I'm tired of hoping and hoping that when I say I'm fine, someone other than my best friend will tell me to stop lying and be honest. I'm tired of not having any time to myself because "I'm not participating enough in the family dynamic". I'm tired of being told that my problems are all my fault, that I'm the cause behind every negative effect. I'm tired of people saying, "But you've got (insert name here) and (insert more names here) and me, and we're all here for you." Because everybody says that, but hardly anyone follows through. And no matter what, when you put all your faith in other people, when you let other people pick up the pieces of your shattered mind and put it back together, someone always makes everything fall back apart. And then you have to try to put the pieces back together again. Or you pretend to so that people stop asking, and maybe you do feel better again, but eventually it all ends the same way. So what's the point? I'm giving up. Maybe now everything will be my own fault, and they'll all be right for once.

Untitled

The following is an entirely random (slightly depressing) poem. Kinda popped into my head today when I was at band practice. Enjoy:


Chest crushing pressure
Builds and builds
Till there's no room left to breathe
And there's no escape
There's never an escape.
You'd think I'd have learned by now
But no, why would I be logical
I just keep letting it happen
I keep gasping for breath
Trying to scream,
But it's not enough
And I slowly slip under
So I have to wonder...

Will I keep coming back up?

Bottle It Up

Sometimes I wish
There was a way
To bottle up the rain
Or sun

To open them up
On another day
When I'm happy
Or when I'm blue

To make the day better
Or give it some gloom
Not too much,
Just enough to make me think

About life and how
It's meant to be lived
About the best people
And my time with them

Sometimes I wish
There was a way
To bottle up the rain
Or sun

And save them for another time