Something has been really frustrating me lately, and I didn't actually realize how much it had been bugging me 'till about 5 seconds ago. Weird, right?Anyway.
We're taught all our lives that everyone thinks differently. Everyone has a different perspective/outlook on life. And we always agree, because, well, quite frankly, it's TRUE. But then we forget to take into account all the different ways that people think and process information when we are trying to help them feel better.
Take me for example, I process things internally. Good things, bad things, anythings. It's the way I handle all the shit I'm dealt. I think about it, I work through it, I deal with it. In. MY. Head. On. My. Own. It's the way I've always been, and, in all honesty, prefer it to be. But when my friends try to help me feel better when I'm angry or sad or upset, they're all touchy feel-y "let's-give-you-a-hug-for-five-minutes-and-try-to-force-you-to-talk" about everything. And that's just not how I process, so I get frustrated (and hide it very well) but I know that they're trying to help so I force myself to calm down and accept the help that doesn't really help. When I'm upset, I don't want advice. I want someone to sit there and shut up and listen to me whine. I know it sounds selfish and bitchy, but you'd be surprised how much more helpful it is for me. And so....yeah. I deal. And I end up processing on my own--most of the time. And it's really really really hard sometimes when I don't get the chance to process on my own because of other people's agendas and "help".
Now, take some of my friends for examples. What helps them process is the "let's-give-you-a-hug-for-five-minutes-and-force-you-to-talk" kind of stuff--Completely not my style. I'm willing to do whatever to help them. And they know that, but they get frustrated when I use my type of processing situations (sit down, shut up, and listen) on them. So I use they're style. No problemo. It helps them feel better, so I do it. Then they process and all is well. But they don't usually realize that I process so much differently...so they use they're tactics on me....and I get really frustrated. But they usually get upset when I try to explain that.
But lately I've been letting go of myself. My personality, my style, my....meness. And I don't like it. I've been letting other people take care of my problems for me, to the point where I hardly know what's going on in my life anymore. I've been walking around like a completely different person...or at least that's what it's starting to feel like.
So essentially, I'm tired of not processing my life my way. I'm tired of not being me. And (just in case you didn't pick up on this a few posts ago) I'm tired of being told that my "issues" and "this thing that I've got going on" and my "depression" is all my fault. So it's time to start living--like me-- again.
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