Jim, Please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I miss you.

I don't remember your smile
Whether it was contagious
Or lit up a room

I don't remember your voice
Whether it was raspy and old
Or still warm and young like your heart

I don't remember how you smell
Whether it was a cologne
Or the sweet tobacco you used to smoke

I don't remember your hugs
Whether they were weak but loving
Or firm and caring and supportive

It was my worst fear.
I didn't want to forget,
But I did.

I want to remember,
But I can't

Dear World,

Dear teachers,
Sorry for wanting my break to be, ya' know....a break.

Dear parents,
Sorry for not being perfect.

Dear boyfriend's parents,
You suck. You are ass holes. I'm sorry you can't see how awesome your son is.

And finally,

Dear world,
I'm so fucking sorry for being human. Are you happy now? Can I live my life in peace now?

Sorry for the vagueness

I used to think I did it for the clarity, but I've come to realize that that's not it at all. I force smiles and laughter. I pretend to be happy, and everyone believes it. Why shouldn't they? As far as they know, I've got no reason to be unhappy. But I guess, nobody really understands. They don't take the time to care; that's part of what makes it so easy to hide it. That I just deserve it. Nobody realizes how horribly I think of myself. I'm worthless. I really am. I not good enough. I never have been. Never will be. And no matter how many fucking times people tell me otherwise, I'll always be that way. People deserve better than me, but they never listen. They want me to explain it, but it can't be explained. I'm just a numb, worthless shell that will never be good enough. For anyone. I though I had gotten over that aspect of it all, but I never really did. I just hid it. That's really all it's ever been I suppose. Oh well, there's another coin in the therapy jar. Guess I'll have to talk to them about that--oh, wait! I still don't have one of those. I'm not good enough for one of those. Sorry, I forgot. But SH it's a secret. When I told them it was the clarity it was okay then. It wasn't necessarily a problem with me directly, it was more a product of the chaos of my mind. Guess it's me after all. Who'da thunk.

Not Ready.

So, I went to this amazing thing called Winterlight. It's at a wonderful place that is now one of my many "homes". This place goes by the name of Kanuga. I just got back today, and I already want to go again. Everybody keeps telling me they missed me. And I missed them. But I'm not ready to be home. I'm not ready to go back to everything that made me feel so horrible before. I want to go back there, where I was accepted by everyone for being who I am. Where I had friends who liked me for me, and not because I had cool stuff. Where people don't judge or hate. They nurture and accept and love. I want to keep that spirit. I'm not ready for the fear and the hate and the pain. I'm not ready to be back. I'm not ready to be the way I was before again. I know it's going to happen, because it always does. People here don't get it. And it's okay. They never will. But I hate that I will end up losing that Kanuga feeling. It's the only thing I've truly felt in a very long time.

White Christmas

I didn't think I'd see a white Christmas for a while. The last one I had was when I was four. Living in Georgia, this is a big fat slice of AWESOMENESS. And I managed to convince my parental units to let me go run around in the snow and take pictures. While I was in only pj pants and a sweatshirt....and converse. :)

Look at my pretty picture. Enjoy :P

The Best Present

So, I know is Christmas is about celebrating the incarnation of Jesus, but to me it's also about spending time with my family. They argue, they yell, they're obnoxious and stubborn, but I love them. And Christmas is the one time of year we all come together and spend time with each other. This year was especially special (that's really fun to say aloud) because my dad didn't have to work. And I got a lot of really cool presents this year (Kindle, CAKE tickets, and a few others). But my favorite present this was, by far, spending time with my family where no one argued. It wasn't intentional. They didn't pretend to get along for my sake. They genuinely got along. And it was one of the best gifts I've recieved, ever. I just thought I'd share.

So, go forth and celebrate the incarnation of Jesus, and a wonderfully merry Christmas to you and yours. :)

Those Little Creatures

When I think of emotions, I think of little creatures. Each with its own appearance. Soft, fluffy, pink. Hard, cold, black. Bleak, dark, empty. Firey hot, bright as can be, dangerous. And then, your mind is like a house, styled to your personality. I've always pictured mine as one of those sleek, clean-lined, modern exterior houses. Then you walk in, and it's still modern, but there are crazy colors and shapes everywhere, there's beautiful art, and music is blasting. Typically, the emotions get to live in your mind, a few at a time at a time. And the emotions move stuff arond, they add stuff, they change the house a little. Some of them completely trash it, but it always gets cleaned back up. The house is never arranged the same way though. Each time something happens, it changes the house a little bit. I might just be tilting a picture frame, or scooting a chair over a little bit, changing the tv channel or switching cds in a stereo. But it's never the same, because your mind adapts. You adapt. I think that's something we all have to learn to do.