Oh my...

I've always dreamed

Of being an artist

Creating is my passion

Drawing

Painting

Writing

Music

It's something

I've always had

A propensity for

It's my joy

Cliche as it sounds

I feel like it's my calling

But I don't know

If I could

Make it

In that world

Is my talent great enough?

Am I good enough?

People say I am

But I have my doubts

I want to so badly

But I'm terrified they're all

Wrong.

I want you to understand

She won't get close

She pushes them away

And before she couldn't figure out why

It was habit and nature

But she couldn't understand

Why the habit was established

In the first place

And she now realizes,

She doesn't want to hurt them

The way she's been hurt

She doesn't want to be the one

Who leaves

And leaves nothing behind

But broken hearts

And shattered minds

Because she's been on the receiving end

She knows what it's like

To have the people you're closest to

Just up and run

To bolt as far away as they can

And never look back

So she doesn't let them close

She pushes them away

Because she doesn't want

To be the source of so much pain

The Push

Push
Push
Push
All she does is push
It's what she's good at
Pushing people away
But this time
She's hoping
Hoping she hasn't pushed too hard
Too far
It's not supposed to be permanent
But she doesn't know what's
Going to happen
And she's terrified
That she's pushed too hard
Too far
And she won't be able to catch back up

A Baby

When you let yourself

Think only of the past

And what the future may bring,

You lose sight of what's happening now.

A baby growing,

Learning to walk

And talk

And love

When you let yourself

Focus on the bad

And how you felt then

The feelings carry on

The hurt

And anger

So, you have to learn

To step back

And see what's happening

Right here

Right now

Like that little baby,

Growing

Learning to walk

And talk

And love

Give

me one good reason I shouldn't do it. Just one. Give me one good reason to put away again. Cause last time you couldn't. What makes you think this one is any different?

Rustling

Shuffling

Moving

Shifting

Mindless fidgeting

Agitated

Frustrated

All because

Of a lack

Of simple

Activity

I just want

To go somewhere

To do something

To see someone

To party

Cause I'm a kid

And that's what

Kids do

But I've spent

The past two

Years being

The "perfect child"

Studying

Schooling

Mini-adulting

I'm done being

"So mature

For my age"

I'm going to

Be a kid.

I haven't posted in forever.

And I would like to apologize if there's anybody who still actually pays attention to this...teen angst took over my life for a long time. But...it's getting better. My friend Riley and I...we're not what we used to be, by any means. But, well, I guess I'm getting used to the way things are now. My dad is on a new shift again, so I get to see him a lot more. My mom has a new job, and she's so much happier. Devon is....Devon. There aren't words to describe how truly amazing he is. Today is the last day of sophomore year. It's bittersweet for a lot of reasons. All my closest friends, my big brothers and sisters, from the senior class are graduating. They won't be here next year, and that saddens me. But I'm almost a Junior. All of the change makes it feel like something big is going to happen this summer or next year. I know it sounds cliche and awful, but it feels like I'm getting a new beginning. It's like this summer is the beginning of the rest of my life...I'm coming to terms with my past and loving what is now. I've found the beauty in everything again... and it makes me so happy. I am happy. I haven't truly been happy in so long, and now, with school and drama and everything else out of the way, I'm happy. I needed this summer to get here. I've needed it all year. But it's finally here. And I can't wait. So...(more cliche, sorry) Summer 2011, get ready. 'Cause here I come.

I'm...

getting help.

Untitled

No more smiles

There's no more laughing

No more carefree spirits

Soaring through the sky

They've all fallen,

Plummeted to the ground

Never to fly again

Their wings have fallen off

Snapped right off their backs

And shattered like glass

Like broken souls

Among the rocks of the earth

None of them will fly again

Those little glass wings

From an angel figurine

Falling from above

Smashing to the floor

Breaking like the dreams

Of children

When the innocence is lost

When true nature is revealed

There are no more smiles

No more laughing

No more carefree spirits

Soaring through the sky

Sometimes I just need to cry

I need to be held

While I let the tears roll over the edge

And fall to the ground

But I can't bring myself to cry

Not around anyone

' Cause "crying is weakness"

It's worthlessness

And helplessness

And vulnerability

All rolled into one

And sometimes,

I just want

To cry

And be held

While the tears roll over the edge

And fall to the ground

But I can't.

I just can't.

Teen Angst for the bazillionth time. Maybe I should just change the blog title.

I don't know what it is anymore

I don't know if I'm depressed or insane

Or just plain stupid.

I don't know what I am anymore

Some sort of feelingless monster

Cause the things that used to make me better,

They don't work so well anymore

And the people that used to make me better,

They're just like everyone else

So I sit here, empty of emotions

Pretending to be okay.

I'm a much better actress

Than they ever thought I would be.

Jim, Please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I miss you.

I don't remember your smile
Whether it was contagious
Or lit up a room

I don't remember your voice
Whether it was raspy and old
Or still warm and young like your heart

I don't remember how you smell
Whether it was a cologne
Or the sweet tobacco you used to smoke

I don't remember your hugs
Whether they were weak but loving
Or firm and caring and supportive

It was my worst fear.
I didn't want to forget,
But I did.

I want to remember,
But I can't

Dear World,

Dear teachers,
Sorry for wanting my break to be, ya' know....a break.

Dear parents,
Sorry for not being perfect.

Dear boyfriend's parents,
You suck. You are ass holes. I'm sorry you can't see how awesome your son is.

And finally,

Dear world,
I'm so fucking sorry for being human. Are you happy now? Can I live my life in peace now?

Sorry for the vagueness

I used to think I did it for the clarity, but I've come to realize that that's not it at all. I force smiles and laughter. I pretend to be happy, and everyone believes it. Why shouldn't they? As far as they know, I've got no reason to be unhappy. But I guess, nobody really understands. They don't take the time to care; that's part of what makes it so easy to hide it. That I just deserve it. Nobody realizes how horribly I think of myself. I'm worthless. I really am. I not good enough. I never have been. Never will be. And no matter how many fucking times people tell me otherwise, I'll always be that way. People deserve better than me, but they never listen. They want me to explain it, but it can't be explained. I'm just a numb, worthless shell that will never be good enough. For anyone. I though I had gotten over that aspect of it all, but I never really did. I just hid it. That's really all it's ever been I suppose. Oh well, there's another coin in the therapy jar. Guess I'll have to talk to them about that--oh, wait! I still don't have one of those. I'm not good enough for one of those. Sorry, I forgot. But SH it's a secret. When I told them it was the clarity it was okay then. It wasn't necessarily a problem with me directly, it was more a product of the chaos of my mind. Guess it's me after all. Who'da thunk.

Not Ready.

So, I went to this amazing thing called Winterlight. It's at a wonderful place that is now one of my many "homes". This place goes by the name of Kanuga. I just got back today, and I already want to go again. Everybody keeps telling me they missed me. And I missed them. But I'm not ready to be home. I'm not ready to go back to everything that made me feel so horrible before. I want to go back there, where I was accepted by everyone for being who I am. Where I had friends who liked me for me, and not because I had cool stuff. Where people don't judge or hate. They nurture and accept and love. I want to keep that spirit. I'm not ready for the fear and the hate and the pain. I'm not ready to be back. I'm not ready to be the way I was before again. I know it's going to happen, because it always does. People here don't get it. And it's okay. They never will. But I hate that I will end up losing that Kanuga feeling. It's the only thing I've truly felt in a very long time.

White Christmas

I didn't think I'd see a white Christmas for a while. The last one I had was when I was four. Living in Georgia, this is a big fat slice of AWESOMENESS. And I managed to convince my parental units to let me go run around in the snow and take pictures. While I was in only pj pants and a sweatshirt....and converse. :)

Look at my pretty picture. Enjoy :P

The Best Present

So, I know is Christmas is about celebrating the incarnation of Jesus, but to me it's also about spending time with my family. They argue, they yell, they're obnoxious and stubborn, but I love them. And Christmas is the one time of year we all come together and spend time with each other. This year was especially special (that's really fun to say aloud) because my dad didn't have to work. And I got a lot of really cool presents this year (Kindle, CAKE tickets, and a few others). But my favorite present this was, by far, spending time with my family where no one argued. It wasn't intentional. They didn't pretend to get along for my sake. They genuinely got along. And it was one of the best gifts I've recieved, ever. I just thought I'd share.

So, go forth and celebrate the incarnation of Jesus, and a wonderfully merry Christmas to you and yours. :)

Those Little Creatures

When I think of emotions, I think of little creatures. Each with its own appearance. Soft, fluffy, pink. Hard, cold, black. Bleak, dark, empty. Firey hot, bright as can be, dangerous. And then, your mind is like a house, styled to your personality. I've always pictured mine as one of those sleek, clean-lined, modern exterior houses. Then you walk in, and it's still modern, but there are crazy colors and shapes everywhere, there's beautiful art, and music is blasting. Typically, the emotions get to live in your mind, a few at a time at a time. And the emotions move stuff arond, they add stuff, they change the house a little. Some of them completely trash it, but it always gets cleaned back up. The house is never arranged the same way though. Each time something happens, it changes the house a little bit. I might just be tilting a picture frame, or scooting a chair over a little bit, changing the tv channel or switching cds in a stereo. But it's never the same, because your mind adapts. You adapt. I think that's something we all have to learn to do.

Clarity

I've recently learned that people will do some pretty crazy things to be able to feel. To feel the touch of a loved one, or the snow crunching under your feet, or even just the feel of your own skin. But it seems to me that people will do even crazier things to feel emotions. Nobody wants to go through life feeling nothing or not knowing how they feel. It can make you go crazy. To feel a thousand things at once, yet still feel nothing at all. All you want is a little clarity, to make your mind stop spinning long enough to be able to sort through what's going on. And then, when you can't feel anything, you just want to be able to know that you're still there. It's like one of my favorite songs says, "When everything feels like the movies, yea you bleed just to know you're alive. And I don't want the world to see me, cause I dont think that they'd understand." Not everybody chooses the same thing. Some people do drugs, some people cut, some people just deal on their own. Everybody has to choose their own poison, you know? Whatever it happens to be that works for them. So what's yours?

Another Random Revelation

I don't need my life to be just like someone else's. I don't need it to be just like the movies or fairy tales. It's my life, and I'll make it what I want it to be. And right now, it's pretty damn good.